The Losers Was A Loser

By Dana Verde

What can I say about this movie…hmmm?

I guess I would have to start by apologizing to Siobhan for making her sit through it. This week was my turn to choose the film. Having said that, I’ll explain the plot.

The Losers is a tale of double cross and revenge, centered upon the members of an elite U.S. Special Forces unit sent into the Bolivian jungle on a search and destroy mission. The team––Clay, Jensen, Roque, Pooch, and Cougar––find themselves the target of a lethal betrayal instigated from inside by a powerful enemy known only as Max. Presumed dead, the group makes plans to even the score when they're joined by the mysterious Aisha, an operative with her own agenda. Working together, they must remain deep undercover while tracking the heavily-guarded Max, a ruthless man bent on embroiling the world in a new high-tech global war. That is the story line…but…and I mean a very BIG BUT, the film I saw was a bad rendition of an episode of Miami Vice with a little A-Team thrown up in the mix.

To all of you out there I have two questions...

1) Why is it that in these pseudo espionage flicks everyone is highly trained by the military but can’t hit a moving target?

2) How can these same people walk around the streets of major cities with bazookas and a small arsenal of weapons and no one calls the cops?

I’ve had friends visit me from Europe and mistakenly drink a beer in the streets of NYC and cops swarmed on them like they were Osama Bin Laden.

Anyway here are some other issues I had with this film:

The camera angles were unoriginal––note: to all the Hollywood filmmakers out there - shooting your films verite does not make you “PAUL GREENGRASS” (he directed Bourne Supremacy). The editing was oblique. The score was comical. And, the dialogue––OMG––the dialogue...it got to a point where Siobhan turned to me and said, “Dana, is it typical for screenwriters to add the characters name at the end of every sentence when there is a dialog scene with another character?” i.e. “Hi Roque,” "What are you doing Rouqe,” "Don’t say that Roque." Ugh! In real life, when you’re talking with someone, it’s very rare that you say their name throughout the conversation––so another note: to all of you aspiring screenplay writers out there, please refrain from doing this––it’s annoying!

I don't want to block up my chi so I'll try to focus on some positive things about this movie. Actually, two words come to mind... IDRIS ELBA !!!!! He’s on the "he can get it" list and all you women out there know exactly why. He is a very sexy man, but his fine-ness isn't enough to save this movie. His character is as bland as dry toast. I kept hoping he would bust out in his “I’m from Hackney Norf Lundon" accent––you know, add some beans on that toast, but no such luck. He was playing a yankee and looked bored as hell doing it.

I have to take a quick pause before I proceed because my "what I liked" moment is over.

Ok back to how I started off.

The "kick-ass girl" in the film was ZOE SALDANA. "SIGH." On a personal note, I’ve been rooting for her career since she did the film Center Stage and portrayed EVA, the cigarette smoking, foul attitude having, diva ballerina…but as an action hero––NO BUENO ––NO MAS. The guns are bigger than she is - I swear I thought she'd fall over. I have been waiting my whole life for a proper black girl action hero and to my disappointment I have to keep waiting. I'm not going to mention the rest of the cast because it really doesn't matter.

To sum up my viewing experience, I felt like a big fat loser for watching the film and couldn’t wait to get out of the theater. Siobhan can attest to it.

Rating: I say drink until you pass out on this one!